Making Sense and Finding Peace
by black neko hime
Summary: It's really hard... It's really hard to figure out what the right path is when all your feedback is negative. All I get is my mother's grimace and my brother's tantrums. What's the good of title without experience or direction? An AU story of Kyoko's search for love and purpose.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own any of the characters unless specifically noted. This is an alternate universe fanfiction.**

Making Sense and Finding Peace

Chapter 1 On the verge

"This was all so sudden. What will happen to the country now? The prince is still much too young…" A young maid asked, closing the door to the servant's quarters. "Rumi, it's about time for tea."

Rising from her seated position, Rumi gathered the instruments for the royal family's Tuesday tea. "You're right. He is… though, honestly, does the prince even count as a legitimate heir? Wasn't his mother a concubine? A well-respected one, admittedly—but a concubine, in any case," She contributed.

"Yes… That does pose some problems, doesn't it? Why couldn't the king have just married her to begin with? Why make that Mogami Saena, who doesn't seem to care the least for foreign affairs, a queen?" Honami paused to mull over the effects that the royal family's respectability, or lack thereof, may have on the country. She assisted her friend in organizing the tea set for presentation and resumed speaking, "I mean, Concubine Uesugi was educated in both foreign and domestic affairs, as well several styles of dance, and had an interest in these things. Not to mention, her father. Duke Uesugi is no one to spit at in any arena."

"Girls," the voice of their superior interrupted. Rumi flinched in surprise before turning to fully face Mr. Anna, while Honami merely turned halfway and stared at him with a look of mild irritation to mask her embarrassment at the coming reprimand. "You were hired for your interest in the royal house and ability to keep quiet when necessary. Don't put me in a position where I have to replace people right now. I'm much too busy already. Do your job, without analyzing or correcting your superiors." With that he sighed and sat down.

* * *

An awkward tension hangs in the air where what is left of the "royal family" receives its tea. They are much more a collection of relatives who don't know what to do with one another than a family. To say Kyoko felt relieved when the doors opened to the over-sized dining room, would be an understatement. Sure, there had been other people in the room all along, but they weren't talking… nor did they look like they would for quite some time. The older butlers and ladies-in-waiting who most frequently assisted the royal family members maintained a disinterested emotional distance. These two young maids were curious and lively, though they schooled their expressions when they knew they were going to be watched. Kyoko had seen them before, though. She had seen them with other young members of the household staff laughing in the garden from her window or engaging in secret romances in the halls, imagining that they were unseen. These girls were her age.

She began pushing her body up from her seat across from her mother, until the sight of the Mogami River changed her mind for her. The Mogami River—that's what she called the disapproving crease between her mother's eyes. Kyoko tightened her mouth into the hard line that she'd learned from her parents and Lady Fuwa, her tutor. The maids approached and completed the preparation and dispensation of the tea, first for her mother, then for herself. As they approached her brother, Hiou dropped something small and hard on the wooden floor between his chair and Kyoko's. The echo made Saena look at the children, for a moment shock was evident in her eyes. It was as though she had successfully forgotten their presence and now they had reappeared on her radar. She closed her eyes and picked up her teacup, delicately. Saena took a deep breath of the steam and went back into her own world.

When Saena's eyes closed, Kyoko was freed from the freeze-over that had taken her body. She bent over quietly in her chair and began looking for Hiou's toy while the boy himself did nothing but stare quietly at the insides of his trembling hands which were now red and empty. Rumi had dropped to the floor and was now crawling around, almost under the table looking for the small object of unknown shape. Honami stared with widened eyes from the queen to the royal children to the servants around the room whose various facial expressions ranged from absent to distaste. The castle's atmosphere had become tense since the king's favorite concubine, the prince's mother, had died. It had become even more uncomfortable since two nights before, when the king had followed her in death. Rumi apparently found the toy under the table and handed it off to the princess before coming out from under the table with eyes full of pity. Honami silently took note of all of it as she poured the last cup of tea and set it before the 11-year-old prince. The two maids then took their places against a wall like the other servants, so as not to disturb the royals.

Mogami Saena was the first to finish her tea. At which point she put her cup down for the last time and released a long and soft sigh. The queen's attendants flocked around her to escort her out of the room. Hiou didn't so much finish his tea as he did abandon it… as soon as the door shut behind the queen. "I'm done with this," for the maids who couldn't see his face, it seemed like Hiou's voice could have come from anywhere in the room. It was eerie to hear such a distant sounding voice from such a small child.

"Don't be like that," his sister implored quietly.

"I hate it," he responded, some emotion coming into his voice now. "The tea—what kind of tea was that?"

"Earl grey."

"I hate Earl Grey," he declared, sliding forward in his chair to put his feet on the floor and push it back to free himself.

"But father liked it."

Hiou squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them to glare at his sister. "And I hate you."

Pulling an audible breath, Kyoko tipped her head back and closed her eyes. She turned her head and smiled politely at her brother. "Is that so?" The boy made a face and turned to march away, but his sister caught him by the forearm. "Wait. You forgot something." She dragged her hand to his wrist, lifting it level and dropped a small silver ring into his hand. They both stared at it for a moment.

Then the shadows in the room changed as his attendants approached in expectation of Hiou's exit. He looked up and saw that his sister was still looking into his hand and squeezed it into a fist, cutting off her view. Hiou yanked his hand up and out of Kyoko's hold and fled the room with his attendants awkwardly attempting to catch up to him without running.

Kyoko stared at the door, like an abandoned child until the tea grew cold. Her attendants, for once, allowed her to take her time—the princess had no appointments for the morning. Her tutor would only be visiting in the afternoon in light of the public tragedy that the nation believed must be harder on her than most people. When all the steam had gone out of it, Kyoko quietly resumed her tea with no signs of her distaste for it aside from a long blink after the cold and bitter first sip alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own any of the characters unless specifically noted. This is an alternate universe fanfiction.**

Making Sense and Finding Peace

Chapter 2

The queen was anxious. Saena sat rod straight at the large, Cherry wood desk in the study adjoining her room. Any minute now Toudou should be arriving to advise her. How had this happened? How had things turned out like this? Saena had never meant to become the public face of a nation. She was about as charismatic as a king cobra, and she knew it. Saena was good at research—facts and figures were her friends, and knowing what was worth investigating came to her naturally. That's how she'd met the late king, actually. In college, she'd found herself in several Honors courses with the then-prince. He'd charmed her with his thoughtfulness and persistence that carried him through courses in spite of a lack of natural gift with political sciences… Saena sighed deeply, she knew exactly how she'd gotten here.

A knock came to the door and the lady-in-waiting, who had almost made herself one with the corner she had occupied, sprang to life. "Who is it?" She asked, using her body to block the door from fully opening in the event that it was an uninvited guest.

 _Obviously,_ Saena thought to herself, _it's Toudou. No one else knocks like that_.

"Toudou," the voice called back.

The maid looked to her mistress, who gave a curt nod, and opened the door with a pleasant smile. Toudou was neither unfamiliar, nor unattractive. He was 46 years old, roughly 175 centimeters tall, dark hair and eyes, and intelligent looking. Toudou gave the maid a look of acknowledgement before proceeding toward the desk. "Good morning, Mogami-san," he greeted, sitting in front of her.

"It's nearly afternoon."

"Still not quite, Mogami-san," he quipped. Toudou was the closest thing Saena had to a college friend— or a friend at all, really.

When she'd married into the royal family she had initially insisted that he up his honorifics when speaking to her. "Mogami- **sama** ," she'd stressed then, and stressed again, now that her husband had passed on and was no longer around to laugh at her horrible ways of treating her "friends."

Both of Saena and Toudou felt the void where King Kazushi would have laughed, "Don't be like that, Saena. So, what's new, Toudou-san?"

"You," Saena called, eyeing the lady who had let her guest in. "Where is Toudou-san's tea? Bring it, and you'll be excused."

Toudou sighed. Saena's people skills were just as lackluster as ever. When they were alone in the room, he spoke, "You know you're going to have to do something." Saena began pulling notebooks and files out of her desk. "Kazushi-san is dead. You can't go on playing Queen-consort. You have to fully take on the role of Queen and ruler or find someone to fill the role of king."

Saena straightened the notebooks and papers she had pulled out, and sighed. _There goes the Mogami River,_ Toudou thought to himself. Instead of answering, she clicked her pen and gave him a long look.

"It doesn't even make sense for you to hide from it. You can do all of the state work. You've basically been the king from the shadows all this time. You and I both know that Kazushi-san—God rest his soul—did nothing but sign his name where you told him to and make all of the public appearances."

"That's enough."

Toudou stared at Saena with a look of equal challenge. He pulled his glasses off, wiped them in his jacket, and put them back on. "What are you going to do?"

"Well, I'm not going to parade around making public speeches for television crews like some performer. I won't," she tightened her grip on the pen until her knuckles turned white. Then she resumed her writing, "…I can't. I barely held out just having them in my face the past 19 years."

Aside from the sound of Saena writing, there was a moment of silence. As it stretched past the three-minute mark with no sign of stopping, it was broken from the outside. There was a knock. "Ma'am, Toudou-san's tea—"

"Bring it in," Saena called.

The tea was served before the lady bowed and excused herself.

"How old is the prince this year?" Toudou asked, carefully.

Saena stopped writing, but did not look up. "Eleven. Why do you ask?"

"Mh. He's not old enough to do anything, then."

Toudou hadn't answered the question directly, but he didn't have to, Saena knew what he was doing. _He's trying to solve my problem_. "Why? Whatever you were thinking, could Kyoko do it?"

Toudou looked up at her. Rarely did Saena bring Kyoko up in conversation. At some point, Saena had stopped talking about how she didn't know how to relate to the girl. Now that he thought of it, that was probably around eleven or twelve years ago, _when Mogami-san gave up her developing dream of having a proper family life._ He grimaced. "She might be able to do part of it… but, as you know, kings are important for a country's international image. The princess could handle heading some the of domestic changes for the betterment of our country on the inside, but she's only seventeen. Even in two or three years' time, other countries wouldn't see her as capable enough to hold off a real offensive. Excuse me for saying so, but as well as I knew the late king, I'm sure he did very little toward grooming Princess Kyoko to be a powerful queen."

"Well, what do you propose?"

* * *

"Fuwa-sensei," Kyoko rose to greet her tutor.

"Kyoko-sama," Yayoi Fuwa nodded. "How are you doing?"

Yayoi saw something like pain or exhaustion flash in the girl's face before being replaced by a bright smile. If she hadn't known so much about her pupil's circumstances, she might have bought the pleasant expression. "I'm fine. How are you? How is your family?"

"My husband and I are well, for the most part. Shotarou has, again, holed himself up with his guitar…" She shook her head and sat down. Why couldn't her child just study properly like the royal children—or even like a normal child. She didn't want to hold him to an unrealistic standard, but she did want him to accept an academic challenge. "I've graded your last literature paper. We can go over it tomorrow, after you've had a chance to review my notes. I'm sure you haven't had time to complete the essay writing portion of your last assignment," Yayoi didn't even need to look to know that Kyoko's face burned with shame at the fact. She continued speaking while taking her copy of the speech from her bag, "so just tell me your thoughts on the 1998 address you were assigned last week."

"It appears to have been written in the period where Mother was relinquishing the speech writing role to Toudou-san, and father was beginning to contribute ideas to his speeches. The country was still recovering from Grandfather's last war. Everyone was still working on shaping their public images," Kyoko commented.

"Do you have any comments on the rhetorical style or composition?"

"This was one of the longer speeches. It's a roughly hour-long oration," Kyoko said, skimming through her notes. "The main calls to action are about domestic things, like the revamping the education system and community building. There were veiled warnings to other nations about how rapidly we were rebuilding and how powerful our military was. While there are some references to Kanae's family for examples of… "blossoming hope for the future," they were meant more to encourage families with young children to stay and participate in the rebuilding of the country to be more than a military nation, and less for the purpose of humanizing the royals. It wouldn't be until a few years later that children in the royal family would be named in speeches." The discussion went on a while longer, then Kyoko had a timed writing exercise and the session was over.

"Fuwa-sensei," Kyoko called out to her teacher as the woman approached the door, prepared to leave for the evening. Yayoi looked at the princess who was suddenly reduced to the appearance of the flustered, under-socialized child that she was. "Um… Fuwa-sensei, do you—Might you happen to have anything for me today?"

She wished she didn't know what the girl was hoping for when she shook her head. No, Sho hadn't written her a letter or note of any kind. It seemed he'd mostly grown out of his interest in being the object of the princess's affections. _Still,_ his mother thought, _he should have at least bought a condolence card and signed his name to it._ "From our family," she said as she dug out the cards she had purchased, one for Kyoko from the Fuwa house and another to the royal house from the Fuwa house.

Yayoi walked down the hall thinking about what a pity it was for such a bright and charming young lady to be holed up in a castle, depending on the correspondence of her egotistical son for companionship. One of the household ladies approached her. "Lady Fuwa, your brother is ready to take you home. He is waiting in the foyer," she said.

Yayoi thanked her and proceeded. "How long have you been here?" She asked when she saw him.

"About two hours," Toudou replied, looking at his watch as he slipped the book he'd been reading into his briefcase and stood up. "I assume you have all of your things."

"That is correct."

"Then, on we go."

The brother and sister left the house with its occupants who expressed too few emotions too much of the time. Even now, the maid who had been in the room found them much more amusing than she would express. She remembered when the Toudou siblings were the raucous playmates of the late-king. Yayoi wondered at how much the spirit of the castle had changed in her lifetime, among other things.

"Brother," Yayoi called to the man who took significantly longer strides than she did now that they were adults. He turned to look at her fully. "What's going to happen to that child?... To the princess?" Yayoi remembered the way Kazushi and Saena had doted on Kyoko when she was small. She also remembered the way Saena had grown obsessed with attempting to make daughter into something around the time Hiou was born. Yayoi didn't know what Saena had wanted from Kyoko. Saena probably hadn't even known exactly what she wanted from the child. Sometimes she wanted perfect scholastic results, other times it was social success, and then there was that short period where it seemed like Saena wanted her little daughter to be her friend and confidant. After a while, Saena gave up on Kyoko, but the girl still hadn't fully given up the idea that her mother's affection might still be in the cards for her somewhere.

Toudou shook his head. "Do you think she could run a country?"

Yayoi stared at her brother in shock for a moment. Then she glared and glided past him toward his car, "That's not funny."

Toudou looked up at the castle they had just left and sighed for the umpteenth time that day. "…If only I were joking."

 **Thank you to the two people who reviewed and three people who are now following! This story hasn't even been up for 24 hours and it already has this much interest…**

 **Since people are wondering, Kyoko is 17, Hiou is 11. Sho is 18. If you want to know the age of another character ask when they appear.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own any of the characters unless specifically noted. This is an alternate universe fanfiction.**

Making Sense and Finding Peace

Chapter 3

On Wednesday evenings, the Royal family had meetings. King Kazushi had made it part of the household schedule and organized the order of operations.

"What is this?" Saena had asked back then. "You've got it organized like a high school club."

The king, in his twenties at that time, had smiled in that slightly dopy way that made her fall for him. "It's our family time." He'd taken one of her hands from her lap and intertwined it with his own. "Right now, it's just us, but someday we'll have children. We'll send out all of the servants who help us manage our public lives and run this big house…" Saena laughed that he called a castle a house, she still couldn't adjust to the idea of this being a place to live. She was also thankful for the laughter because Kazushi might think it was the reason for the sudden redness in her face and not realize that she was reacting to the idea of them having a family together, something she was still unsure she had a right to imagine. "We'll send them out so we can catch up on all of the life we missed while we were doing our jobs in our respective corners. It will be the time we can be normal people and lead a regular family life."

In the present, Wednesday had come again and Saena maintained the schedule.

Saena, Kyoko, and Hiou looked like they were sitting for an awkward family portrait where the goal was more to show off the family lifestyle than the family members. The queen nodded at Mr. Anna and the staff filed out of the room. For the first time since the death of the king, the three were alone together. During his life, it had happened a few times. First, it was because Saena had considered attempting to continue presenting the perfect family image she had crafted. She'd wanted to forgive him for loving someone else and to act like Hiou was hers. She wanted Kyoko's childhood to be filled with happy memories and her marriage to be peaceful, but from his infancy, Hiou had disliked her. It wasn't just that he was wet or hungry or tired; he cried when she held him. All subsequent instances of the three meeting with minimal numbers of attendants were accidents.

There was a long moment of silence. Hiou looked from Kyoko to Saena to his own hands. _Why am I here?_ He wondered.

"The funeral is in three days," Saena announced suddenly. "It will be held at the church and then your father will be buried in the spot he chose in the family cemetery. Your funeral clothes have already been selected and Hiou is to have a haircut tomorrow before the funeral."

"I won't," Hiou snapped.

"I wasn't asking," came Saena's dry response. "Toudou will read the will after the burial. The press will be at the funeral, but you do not have to so much as acknowledge them. Ah! There is something where you have an option, Hiou: you may sit on the front row with Kyoko and I or on the second row with your grandfather and the rest of the Uesugi clan."

Kyoko shifted awkwardly in her seat. She knew what this was.

"I'll sit in the front, with the family," Hiou said.

They all knew what this was.

"Good." Kazushi was no longer around and Saena was asserting her role as head of the household. She was forcing Hiou to choose between the royal house and blood. "So, the procession order will be myself, Kyoko, Hiou, the Queen Grandmother, then your aunt with her husband, and their children. Their children and spouses will sit in their order with respect to their houses."

"Will the Kotonami family be attending the repass?" Kyoko asked.

Saena turned her hard, appraising stare on the teenager. "They will." Kyoko nodded and Saena blinked before brushing her hand against her hair, pulled up and back as usual. "The repass will be held in the formal dining room, starting officially at 3 pm. The Uesugi family and 10 other households that have been your father's friends or close supports will be in attendance. Hiou will spend the weekend with his grandfather's family. Do either of you have anything to say?"

Hiou stared back at her, frustration evident in the way his facial muscles were tensing. Kyoko blinked, she hadn't expected her mother to open the floor for discussion… But what was there to discuss? She shook her head.

"Kyoko, speak up."

She pulled her lips into her mouth for a moment, subconsciously pulling back into herself. "No, ma'am."

Saena nodded, "Good. Hiou, you are dismissed. Kyoko, stay here."

* * *

Hiou slammed the door shut, to the irritation of women on either side of it. On this side, was his nurse—a woman who had a medical certification in pediatrics, but had essentially been Hiou's nanny for his whole life. Though she definitely sent him one of those "you know better" looks, Nurse Nakamura decided to let him off this time. It had still been only four days since he had become an orphan and he hadn't an ally in sight. Even Kyoko, if one really thought about it, was unable to be Hiou's ally; as far as ascension order went she was his rival. Kyoko was older, but she was a girl; Hiou was a boy, but the kingdom wouldn't survive safely in the five-year absence of a real ruler.

Nurse Nakamura in tow, Hiou made his way down the hall toward his suite, agitated. _What do I do?_ He wondered. To say Hiou wanted to make his—what were they to each other, really? She was his father's wife, yes, but had she taken steps to act as a mother to him? Even after his mother died? Hiou decided he wouldn't call her his stepmother, not now. _Not ever_. To say Hiou wanted to make the Queen like him was a tremendous stretch. He wanted to safeguard his position in the house. _I've never lived anywhere else. She can't kick me out, can she? No, it would make her look bad. Grandfather wouldn't let it go. I'm precious to him_. On a tangential note, _there's the promise with Father_ , Hiou thought to himself, toying with the silver ring on his thumb.

* * *

"You know—don't you, Kyoko—that I never intended to rule this country?"

"Yes, Mother."

"As far as my will goes, nothing has changed. I won't parade before the public to be scrutinized beyond my control for being who I am. Nor will I change my personality in attempts to be well liked by everyone when I know very well that to please this whole nation at once is impossible. You've studied politics and history—you've seen how public approval ratings have risen and fallen through time. It is not possible to be well-loved by a country; it is difficult enough to be loved by one person. What are royals—what are politicians—to be so greedy?"

Kyoko and Saena's eyes met with a shared pain. They both knew what it felt like to be robbed of love, but their experiences were different and their reactions were appropriately different, as well. Saena's more bitter and Kyoko's more sorrowful. The book was completely closed on Saena's lost love. The man who made her believe it was possible, turned out to be someone who didn't believe in limits. His love for her was only exclusive until her love for him was irrevocable. Kyoko had grown up watching her parents' love unravel around her. When her mother lost part of her father's heart and realized that she could never get it back, she learned to love her daughter less and less. Saena loved her daughter from an emotionally safe distance… but, for a child, to be loved from an emotional distance is to not be loved at all.

* * *

 **Hey, guys! Sorry, it's been a little while since the first two chapters came out. I'm still writing, though. Thank you for all the reviews, favorites, and follows! You guys are awesome.**

 **Nurse Nakamura is a character I made up. She is stricter than Hiou-kun's manager in Skip Beat!, but she still has affection for him. Because they've been together since the boy was born, the nurse sort of regards her as her own son.**

 **January 28, 2017**


	4. Chapter 4

**Making Sense and Finding Peace**

 **Chapter 4**

 **I do not own any of the characters unless specifically noted. This is an alternate universe fanfiction.**

 _Seriously?_ "Sir, you do realize that we're early…?" Yukihito Yashiro couldn't help himself. He was all for being timely, but to arrive to a meeting in someone's home thirteen hours early and with more of an entourage than the host expected seemed like too much. Of course, if he really thought about it, "Extraordinary" could have been his boss's middle name. And now his boss was out of the car. Yukihito was left with no choice but to follow. _How does Sebastian do this?_

"Well, it would be boring if we were on time. And we would never make it to the meeting if we were late." Lory didn't so much as turn around to explain himself, but Yukihito had a terrible feeling that if he could see the man's face it would only tell him for certain that Lory had tried being late before. As he quickly caught up, he decided not to ask. Lory stopped walking suddenly and looked at him, the mirth in his face giving way to solemnity. "The queen runs a tighter ship than you might think. It is important that you remember not to believe everything you hear, no matter who you hear it from. Interrogate everything for yourself, using whatever resources you deem necessary. Don't look so grave, boy!" He laughed. "If you're to replace me as ambassador, you'll have to learn not to show everything in your face. In this position, you represent a country. You are the presence of a king in his physical absence. There are alliances to form and maintain, secrets to keep, and enemies to make nice with." With that, he was off again.

Yashiro shook his head and sighed at the older man's back. Lory Takarada was like a storm in some ways. There was almost always someone left in his wake wondering what had hit them. Yashiro stayed close to Lory, as he was replacing Lory's usual assistant for the week while learning the ropes of the ambassador position he would be taking over in a few years. It would also be helpful to be closer to the front of the entourage, most of whom was present purely for Lory's entertainment. Some were there to keep Maria, Lory's granddaughter, out of trouble in the man's absence.

* * *

"I suppose for a child, it is acceptable to wish for lots of love," Saena mused aloud. "If they are lucky, they may even receive it. If not, they just become adults a little sooner. Kyoko, it is a relief to me that you are very nearly an adult." She relaxed her posture and smiled in a way some might read as apologetic. "As you know, I'm not very good with children. From here on, we will regard one another as adults."

 _It's fine. It's fine_ , Kyoko thought to herself. _There are no benefits in being this woman's child other than having been around to know the back story when she tells me that I know_. Kyoko stares at her mother, setting her own jaw tightly. Then looks at her folded hands clenching in her lap and scrunches her brow until the Mogami river forms on her face.

Saena proceeds, while pulling out a file from her drawers in preparation for a meeting with a most irritating foreign ambassador. "From the time you were born, whenever your father had the opportunity, he told you about how you have a different destiny than other girls. You were born a princess. You're a cut above even the girls in most of the pretty fairy tales you were weaned on. You were supposed to have an easy life—well-loved wife of a duke with both money and property from our own country, educated almost solely in literature, music, and basic mathematics. You were meant to be charming and lead a charmed life happily ever after. But I knew—even when we read you those stories, I knew—that real life isn't like that. You have to know about politics and money management. You have to do all the "woman things" and be able to do the things that are thought of as masculine, as well. You have to perform love and protect your heart in order to keep your place wherever you land. Do you understand?"

Kyoko nods once. Then remembers— "uh. Yes, ma'am…"—that her mother hates it when she does that. Kyoko's voice is strained. _My throat hurts_ , she thinks, putting a hand to it.

Saena didn't know what to say next. _I've been rambling. If someone else tell her it would be better. That would be like a dream come true, wouldn't it? Now, that's funny. Even I would like to believe in fairy tales, sometimes._ Saena sighed and looked up at the girl before her. How unlucky were the two of them to be so related as they were? To her chagrin, Saena felt that Kyoko ought to hear this from someone close to her… but who was that?

"May I be excused?" Kyoko broke the silence, the fingertips on her right hand pressing into the edge of her mother's desk while her eyes bore a hole into the left corner nearest her.

"Um. I'm busy this afternoon, but you will be contacted again later this evening."

Kyoko stood and nodded. _She could be her own voicemail message_ , Kyoko thought. "Thank you, M-my queen."

With that, Kyoko turned on her heel and left Saena alone to make sense of her thoughts and feelings. She saw the back of the young woman she had given birth to nearly eighteen years prior and felt the corner of her mouth twitch. She released a paper she had suspended in the middle of an unnecessary flip—she hadn't yet read it—and pressed her hand into the spasm-prone body part.

Someone knocked on the door and Saena quickly composed herself. "Yes?"

The door opened and one of the maids stuck her head in. "Madame, your 8 AM—"

"With Mr. Takarada," the Queen cut in, nodding.

"Yes. Well, he's arrived early, Ma'am."

Queen Saena gave the maid a look absolutely devoid of amusement. "Is that so? Arrange rooms for him and his people. Report to me when it is finished."

* * *

 _Why is this happening?_ I can't help but wonder. The longer I watch Takarada-san, the more I question his sanity. We're sitting in the receiving room where staircases from the four wings of the castle's living space converge and Ambassador Takarada's granddaughter is performing a children's song, to his great amusement. He is dressed, for once, like a normal person, but who drops in to surprise a family in mourning? It has been three weeks since I was appointed to be Worldovia's future ambassador to Macland. As part of my study in practical and specific politics for this country, I am living in the Takarada estate with my predecessor to have access to his records and occasionally, accompany him on business trips in his assistant's absence.

I make eye contact with one of maids and she looks away, pulling at the sleeve of the maid beside her—a friend, perhaps. The two begin whispering to one another about something I can't quite make out. Looking around the room, I can't help but notice that it feels like a design attempt at making a regular living room in an oversized space. The seating is beautiful and stiff; there are magazines atop end tables and under a large coffee table made of dark wood; there are books on a variety of subjects with binding of one color scheme per shelf; portraits of the royal family .

"If you will excuse me, Grandfather," I hear Maria implore. "I need to use the restroom."

"Go right ahead," he smiles. He watches her jovially, as she passes me and eventually leaves the room, hand-in-hand with her nurse. Then he sighs. "It's too quiet." The people he brought along for entertainment share concerned looks, but are unable to refute the claim. "Yashiro," he addresses me sliding forward in his chair and angling his body toward me. "You know there are children in this house? A long time ago, there were animals, too… Dogs, mostly; there was a cat for a while, too, I believe; at one point the former king had a snake as a child. I know for certain because I saw it. When I was new on the job—about your age—a fourteen-year-old princess practically ran through this room yelling threats at her seven-year-old brother who was chasing her carrying this great snake. He presented it to me to see if he could get a rise out of me. A real brat," he recounts fondly.

"Maybe they're outside or playing somewhere quietly," I put forth.

He sighs again. "But they're not." Before I can ask how he knows, I'm finding out. "I asked. They aren't outside… and I have met those two. They don't really have exceptionally interesting hobbies. The girl likes learning and making people happy. I have suspicions that the love of learning comes from the people-pleasing, too… The boy watches old action films. He says they calm him." He gives a really sad look. "And that was before the King's passing, may he rest in peace. Even before—in the last few years, actually—I don't really recall seeing the children with him informally. I remember when they were small, though, he would play with them during meetings. And the princess, she looked at him like he was the moon."

I can feel myself cringe at the way he's changed the old phrase, but I think I understand. Takarada-san is not looking at me now, he's shaking his head.

There is a measured clicking sound from the next floor. It grows louder until I can distinguish it to be the sound of a woman's shoes. Eventually we hear—and see—an older maid descending the right staircase. "Mr. Takarada, we have arranged rooms for you and your group in the West wing. Please follow me," she says. Now Maria and her nurse are returning and Mr. Takarada is standing up.

 _Those children... I wonder what they're like._

* * *

Thick, straight black hair that passed her shoulder blades when it was pulled back, long eye lashes, big, bright eyes that looked almost gold colored in this light—Princess Kyoko was what could be called pretty. She wasn't the stop and stare, there's a model in our midst type of pretty, but she wasn't a pain to look at. And she could grow on you. At least, that's what Hikaru thought while he mopped the hall on the third floor. He stopped as he was, once again, faced with the necessity of asking the young woman to move. Last time, he had avoided it by mopping in the other direction, but that's the thing about squares—if you continue making straight lines and turning right, you'll end up at the first side again, sooner or later. He moaned softly to himself. _Lovelorn_ , that's what he was… and he hated to disturb her.

An exhausted sigh escaped the girl in question, surprising the audience of one she had been utterly oblivious to. Hikaru dropped his mop and nearly fell over. Thank God that it was an electric mop, if he'd had a pail of water, the young man would surely have toppled it…

 _She's looking at me_ , he thought panicked. _What do I do? She's—Wait. I—Focus. You have a job to do._ "Umm. Princess, sorry to bother you, but would you mind sitting in the drawing room for a bit? I haven't yet mopped the floor where you are yet and the other sides are still wet." He wondered if she might hate him. _That might have come across a bit_ … But she smiled and wordlessly complied.

Hikaru mopped, feeling sorry to have moved her, but hoping—because whatever else he was, the boy would always be an optimist and an artist—she would be impressed with his work. He mopped and sanitized and buffed and waxed her favorite corridor. It was excessive, but he wanted it to be nice… and he could see into the drawing room while he worked. By the time Hikaru had finished, the sun had set even though it was summer. Kyoko had spent the whole time in front of a floor to ceiling window. She'd started off standing, but was now sitting on the floor.

As he turned to walk away, she spoke, "Hey." Hikaru blinked at the princess who was once again standing, and pointed to himself. "Yes, you. Are you new? I don't recall having seen you much before and I don't know your name." Her hand came to her face as she tried to recall seeing him.

"Hikaru Ishibashi. I—I'm still fairly new. I've only been here about two months now."

She nodded, with a polite smile and a sincere expression in her eye. The princess addressed him again. "Ishibashi-san, can I ask you a personal question?"

"Go ahead," he said, but he was nervous.

"What do you do when you feel lost?"

* * *

 **Worldovia is the foreign country that the Takarada's and Yashiro come from. Lory is the current ambassador for their country to Kyoko's country, Macland. Yashiro Yukihito, aged 27, will take the position when Lory retires.**

 **Posted: January 30, 2017**


	5. Chapter 5

**Making Sense and Finding Peace**

 **Chapter 5**

 **I do not own any of the characters unless specifically noted. This is an alternate universe fanfiction.**

He'd gotten a promotion. Yay. Great… except this meant more responsibility and more answering "directly" to Queen Saena. It wasn't even remotely ideal. The woman was a micromanager. Thankfully, she had like a million better things to do than directly ride the guy who was in charge of hiring the serving and cleaning staff. The queen had two personal attendants; one helped manage her appointments and the other did all of her communications to the staff for her (aside from the emails which everyone was still expected to read). The buffer he lost with his new title as Director was Mr. Jones, the old man who had hired him ten years back and was in charge of the hiring, training, and management of staff in general—which included the personal attendants of the immediate and extended royal family, plus people they hired to work for their closest friends. Now that he was Director Anna, that would all be his responsibility.

So here he was, standing in front of Mary Sue, waiting to hear whatever request it was the Queen had taken pains to ensure was kept clandestine.

"Who is the princess's closest confidant?"

Director Anna blinked. "… What?"

The woman huffed. "Do you know who Princess Kyoko confides in? Like, a friend or advisor— preferably among the staff—who could explain the princess's new role to her."

 _No… Oh, wait_. "Have you considered Kanae Kotonami, the princess's cousin?"

Ms. Sue furrowed her brows and nodded. "Do you have a backup person?"

Did that mean the Kotonami girl _had_ already been considered? _Who else is there?_ "Not at this time. I will let you know if we have a suitable person on staff within the next 24 hours."

"Marvelous," she said, and left the remote corridor where she'd dragged him for privacy.

* * *

"Hikaru."

"Uh. Hey. Sorry, man. What's up? Wait. When did you two get here?" Hikaru stared at his friends, bewildered.

"Seriously?" Yuusei asked, joining Hikaru at the card table the three used for a dining space in their room.

Shinichi put the chicken he and Yuusei had gone to the supermarket for on the table. "You okay, bro?"

"Yeah. I guess… I mean, I had a bit of a strange encounter today." Hikaru blushed a bit and scratched at the side of his head. His friends looked on waiting to hear the story, Yuusei widening his eyes in a dramatized gesture of attentiveness. Hikaru shook his head, looked down and then back at his friends. He mulled over how much to tell them. Would having met and talked with the princess be any less special if his friends knew about it? It should be fine, right?

Flashback:

The princess tilted her head slightly and pinched her lip with her forefinger and thumb, taking him in and still trying to determine whether or not she had actually seen him before. Hikaru wondered to himself, if he was close enough could he have heard her hair move? When he told her that he was new, her eyes dimmed slightly of curiosity and she nodded her acceptance.

"Ishibashi-san, can I ask you a personal question?" She started, voice soft with awareness that she was entering someone else's personal space. These little behavioral nuances that he was seeing in the young woman before him made him even more interested in her.

"Go ahead," he said, but he remembered that he had been nervous. He smiled and hoped she bought into the confident air he was trying to sell.

"What do you do when you feel lost?"

If Hikaru was the type to pause in his actions and analyze his feelings, he would have noticed that this would be a moment that he felt lost… or at least a little thrown off. He blinked, his mouth moving to stall as his brain wracked itself for answers. His smile faded, leaving his mouth slightly agape. He closed it, clenching and unclenching his jaw a couple of times out of unconscious nervous habit. "When I feel lost…? Hm. I guess I talk to someone about it. Praying or writing music works, too…"

She smiled. "I don't think I have a real gift for music, but maybe I'll try one of the other ones."

"If I might be so bold, Princess," Hikaru began. His heartrate was picking up with adrenaline from speaking so directly to someone he'd always seen so distantly. "I offer you my ear if you find yourself needing to vent."

A pleased and amused smile worked its way through her features instead of a laugh, "I might take you up on that offer one of these days, Ishibashi-san." Hikaru nodded, then looked around in silence, unsure of what to do next. "Well, if you'll excuse me…" She didn't have to say anything else, he nodded and moved to the side as the princess made her way down the hall. He watched her and wondered how she felt. To call such a big place home with such a small and shrinking family… these things must be accompanied by feelings Hikaru imagined he would never understand.

End Flashback

Shinchi and Yuusei shared a look. Yuusei grinned and looked back at Hikaru. "You like her, don't you?"

Hikaru stared back. "What?"

"You know what I'm talking about." Why did Yuusei's eyebrows move when he talked? His expressive face made Hikaru feel more embarrassed and frustrated. "You like the princess."

Hikaru started to flush. "B- I... I don't really know her. Today was the first time I've even spoken to her." He put his fingers to the container that the rotisserie chicken was in. How much had it cooled since they came in?

"I said you like her, not that you're in love or going to end up together."

Like, minorly ouch. Hikaru wasn't quite bold enough to dream something like ending up with a princess, but _was it really necessary to verbalize that?_ He snorted and rolled his eyes and decided to let it go. "Am I the only one who's interested in this chicken?" He asked, opening the packaging and wondering if he would have to re-heat his dinner in spite of the lingering evidence condensation on the plastic.

* * *

We didn't have that sort of relationship—my father and I.

It's been a long time since I felt like a daughter. Does that sound strange? I guess it doesn't really _sound_ at all. Who would I say this to? As much as I love Kanae, I couldn't put this on her. Or, rather, I don't want to revisit it intimately enough to explain. It's harder to say out loud that there is no one to lean on than it is to think it. It sounds more disgustingly pitiful the closer I get to actually saying, "My mother doesn't love me and whatever feelings my father had for me he got over."

People assume that being parent and child creates some sort of love bond, but I know that love is a choice. A parent can hate her own child. A parent can make a stranger of the person they brought into the world.

We didn't have the sort of intimate father-daughter relationship that would warrant my mourning a loss of intimacy. All parental affection from my animators to me stopped a long time ago. It's okay. I'm okay. It's strange now that I won't see him anymore in the hall or at meals or at our family meetings, but the world will continue to turn. Life will go on, regardless of how I may feel, it always has.

* * *

 **So, what do you think of this chapter?**

 **Please give feedback. Especially in regards to the first-person section…**

 **The idea is that Princess Kyoko, like her canon counterpart, starts out as a single dimensional character—simply reacting to her circumstances and instead of creating them—but finds herself discontent and, with help from a bunch of interesting and unlikely allies, becomes increasingly dynamic and interesting. Look forward to Kyoko's adventure.**

 **Have a great month! Posting February 18, 2017**


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